conflicts, email, and default priorities.

We are all well advised to avoid handling conflicts by email. Issues requiring more than two paragraphs of explanation most likely should be dealt with in person. If annoyed or angry, do not respond for at least twenty-four hours. You might draft a written rejoinder, but do not finalize or deliver it. Once you write something, wait another twenty-four hours. (Since your “delayed” response may increase anxiety, consider sending a short acknowledgement that promises to respond when you have time to do so appropriately.) Extra time gives opportunity to gain perspective, perhaps even see how your response might be heard or read by someone else. It will also encourage you to pay attention to important matters that you may have missed in the sender’s email, to let go of aspects of the problem that you do not need to put on the record, and perhaps make room to be more gracious in how you deal with the provocation. You might also want a trusted friend or colleague to read what you write before you send it. (1)


Do you notice a tendency in yourself to defer to typing rather than talking through tough conversations?

Are you more prone to boldness through text than in person? Who does that care for more – yourself or the person you are trying to communicate with?


Our lives are increasingly shaped in ways that disconnect us. It is common for face-to-face conversations to be interrupted by cell phones. Such devices have a dominating and intrusive presence. One school where I taught restricted cell phone use to certain areas because people employing such devices–whether in halls, classrooms, or lounges–tend to speak with more volume than usual and thus dominate and even inhibit work, study, or conversations around them. Calls interrupt meals, hospitality, and meetings. We no longer see this as rude; gadgets are our default priority. (2)


What about your habits of tech use devalues the conversations and relationships you are in/with daily?

Are you more connected to people through the phone you hold in your hand, or across the dinner table?

Where are you spending time, energy, and mental gifting on things that have little to no eternal consequence? How can you spend that time on your wife, husband, children, coworkers or friends this week?

Arthur Boers, Living into Focus: Choosing What Matters in an Age of Distractions.      (1) p.115 (2) p. 127




conflicts, email, and default priorities.

2 thoughts on “conflicts, email, and default priorities.

  1. Mason – I agree with the top quote for sure – I have gotten myself in trouble by having several difficult conversations through email over the years. I justify it by thinking that it is better for them to read my thoughts, process it, and then we can talk about it. This can be effective… but it hasn’t been for me. I’m definitely more bold through email than I ought to be or than I would be in person.

    On the second quote – it is somewhat fortunate that I still haven’t made the jump to a smart phone with data. Just phone and text for me so far – and I was a late adopter of text. It isn’t a fear of technology – it is primarily avoidance of extra costs – but I am thankful that I don’t have that added distraction in my life. We notice couples or families out to eat and they’re all looking at their phones. It almost feels like the world of Wall-E is coming true…

    Hope you’re doing well, bro. Daniel


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